Trading Carlos Beltran... to the Phillies?

There's been a lot of buzz lately about the future of some of our favorite Mets, notably right fielder Carlos Beltran, having a resurgent 2011, and all-world shortstop Jose Reyes, having a season like nobody's had since 1937.

Recent buzz has the Phillies (gasp!) hot and heavy on Beltran's trail; one member of the Crane Pool Forum, a Mets fan message board community, has a good suggestion for how a Beltran-to-Philadelphia trade should pan out:

I want him to be traded to the Phillies for Domonic Brown and whatever other prospects we can get for him. Then I want him to suck for Philadelphia. Batting average under .120, dropping balls in RF all over the place. I want him to play so bad that he gets benched mid-September.

I want him to come back to CitiField and fraternize with the Mets to such an extent that the Philly papers call him out on this, and the Phillies front office has to tell him to cool it. I want him to be questioned by the NY media about his poor play and I want him to answer with a knowing smile that prompts an investigation as to whether he is tanking on purpose. I want the Phillies to file a grievance.

I want him to "accidentally" back his car into Shane Victorino's ridiculously pimped out BMW while backing out of the Citizen's Bank Ballpark parking lot causing him over $15k in damage, most of it relating to Shane's custom-made hood ornament.

I want to hear that the investigation and grievance were ultimately abandoned for lack of evidence.

I want the Phillies to lose in the playoffs when Beltran loses track of the number of outs and throws a ball into the stands, allowing 3 runs to score.

I want him re-signed to an incentive laden deal three hours after players are allowed to file for free agency. At his press conference, I want him to talk about how excited he is to be back with the Mets, especially in light of the extension Reyes signed during the ten day exclusive window.

I want to read reports that Boras, Beltran and Alderson are in a corner snickering with each other, then suddenly shush each other when Ruben Amaro Jr. walks by.

In October 2012, I want Beltran to talk about how the World Series MVP crown means nothing to him, he's just happy that the Mets are champions.

This is what I want for Carlos Beltran.

Yup, this sounds about right. Go get 'em, Carlos!